So yesterday Jennifer and I got invited out to the movies, and the choices were "Live Free or Die Hard" which I really deep down didn't want to see, but Kevin Smith is in it, and the previews make it look pretty good, or "Ratatouille" which I wanted to see really bad. Well we got to the theater and Die Hard was the movie starting soonest. So we grabbed 2 tickets, a soft pretzel, a large coke, some buncha crunch and headed into the theater.
After some disappointing trailers(no Transformers) the movie began. It started with a series of hackers who were giving their "l33t hackz" to some agency. Then the agency who we will from now on call "the bad guys" uploaded viruses into the computers of the hackers. When they thought their computers were messed up they started hitting random keys(which would become a staple of the film) until the C4 that the bad guys had put on their computers(when and how remains a mystery) exploded killing all the hackers.
ALL the hackers! EXCEPT ONE! Who is played by Mr. Mac Computer Justin Long he is picked up by Bruce Willis to be taken in for questioning by the government so they can find out who is hacking their computers. From there the terrorists do more and more insanely impossible things with computers, Bruce Willis does more and more insanely impossible stunts for a man his age, and in the end Kevin Smith's cameo doesn't even save it. So here is what's wrong with the movie.
1. Computers are doing impossible things. You randomly pound on the keys to hack into the water system of the entire country. No one ever uses a mouse, and all the programs that control everything look exactly the same, apparently they were all made by the same guy. Also the hackers are using Alienware laptops. Which are like $5000 gaming laptops. I really don't think that's necessary for hacking the country.
2. The bad guys are using giant fucking point and shoot cannons and can only hit the bumpers and hoods of cars not the people inside of them.
3. In one scene the bad guys disguise themselves as FBI agents. They have FBI bullet proof vests, FBI badges, and an FBI Helicopter. Where did they get this stuff? Did they hack the fucking Matrix? Then when they get to their destination in their FBI helicopter with all their FBI credentials they just fucking shoot everyone anyways. Then in that same scene they are there to shut down all the electricity to the East Coast. Well Bruce Willis comes and saves the day, meanwhile back at the lair of the main bad dude he sees what happens due to well placed web cams(HOW THE FUCK DO YOU SET UP WEB CAMS IN THE CENTRAL HUB FOR ALL THE POWER TO THE EAST COAST!!?!?! There is no internet connection there!). He then diverts all the gas lines(cause he is a l33t hacker remember?) to the building and destroys it knocking out all the power remotely. WHY DIDN'T HE JUST DO THAT IN THE FIRST PLACE!?!!?
4. The main bad dude is constantly hacking into people's radio traffic and wearing the same Bluetooth headset to talk to them. He just puts it on and POOF he can talk to them, he doesn't need to reconfigure it or anything.
All in all the movie was designed to make my mother nervous. I could just hear a DVD commentary featuring my mother. "Oh...I think that car is going to hit that guy...oh..oh...Is he going to fall??..I can't watch this part".
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